Big Brother Fighters

Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This
is a shocking statistic! What happens between the time the
marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating?
It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of the
people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love
triangle.I decided to tackle unearthing the real truth about how
and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were
260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and
forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one
exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an
innocent victim of the other’s philandering. It seemed to me
that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital
discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to
the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of
long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even
before the marriage vows were uttered.

Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really
happens before two people decide to get married? They have been
dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do
the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a
relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s
appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and
committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an
affair?

I think the predicament results from the general consensus of
opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the
posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically
presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the
marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would
be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support
tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the
reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married
because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity?
Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have
children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married
because they have found someone with whom they are career
compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted,
intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously
aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and
raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all
people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.I
believe that some people get married for love, some for lust,
some for status, some for money, some for security, some for
convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental
guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is
true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence
to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The
expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for
passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of
marriage. I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly
some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with
a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to
each other. They are starry eyed and the state of “in love”
creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this
person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important
values you have designated to be essential in the person you are
going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or
breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates
your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect
otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly
tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting
married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all.
Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to
agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together
because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think
the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants
to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario
cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards
of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the
vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises,
tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him,
the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again,
whatever “it” is.According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I
subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job
is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her
to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will
produce those results as long as she believes in him and
respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat
little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women
love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable
for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s
pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction”
which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage
presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest
values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of
energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man
what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding
sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not
be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive
to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So
here’s what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates
enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at
times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers.
Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes
massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the
most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which
consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the
upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman
five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what
does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of
relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the
relationship as an entity, that state of “in love” that everyone
marries into will disintegrate.There are exceptions, but
generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their
spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an
affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other
partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons.
That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the
neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that
attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense
of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys
the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and
hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who
assumes that because they are married, everything is great and
there is always time for taking care of the spouse later,
ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the
affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or
intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of
the marriage, the seeds have been sown.The marriage is taken for
granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to
bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false
presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80%
of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work
by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s
needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and
validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each
other and who continually approve of each other which allows the
vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal
needs.What should be done about reversing this destructive
trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship
coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the
person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are
not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you
might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an
affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying
attention to your relationship and not taking anything for
granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a
difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be
preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before
they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are
welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of
infidelity? Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com Buy my book
www.HowToGetWhatYouWantFromYourManAnytime.com Enroll in an
e-course www.RomanceReentry.com e-mail me at
Susan@gettingwhatyouwant.com

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The 21st century very well may be remembered as the point in history when people made rather drastic changes to their physical appearances on what might be considered something of a whim. Plastic surgery — once a relatively uncommon procedure — has become commonplace. However, such drastic changes really are not for everyone.

One avenue through which a person can make a less invasive and far from permanent physical change is the use and wearing of colored contact lenses. As technology in regard to contact lens coloration has advanced over the course of the past ten years, an individual desiring a striking physical change can accomplish his or her goal through the use of colored contact lenses.

When colored contact lenses first hit the market, they were designed in such a manner that only subtle eye coloration changes could be had. All of that has changed in recent years. In this day and age, it is now possible for a brown eyed person to sport blue eyes and for a blue eyed person to make the rounds about town with brown eyes.

In addition to changing a person’s eye color from one naturally occurring hue to another with ease, it is now possible to make even more drastic changes to one’s appearance through the use of what might be considered pretty unusually contact lens designs. For example, if a person were so inclined, he or she can now obtain contact lenses designed in such a manner that a person’s eye appearance can be altered to look like tiger or lion eyes. These types of contact lenses were first used on movies sets. In time, such lenses have become available to consumers generally.

While a person most definitely can make a fashion statement with colored contact lenses, it is important to remember that contact lenses are invasive. By that it is meant a contact lens — when all is said and done — is a foreign object on a person’s eye. With this in mind, it is vitally important that if a person is inclined to utilize contact lenses for fashion reasons, it is important for that person to visit a trained and licensed eye doctor. In obtaining contact lenses for fashion purposes, it is incumbent upon a person to undergo the same types of initial and follow up examinations that are necessary when contact lenses are obtained for matters relating to improving vision.

Linda Polansky writes about Contact Lens and Colored Contact Lens

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“A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the
pursuit of success. ”

- Bo Bennett

Rejection hurts.

But there came a time in my dating career (shortly after being
given the pink slip from a guy I was absolutely crazy about)
when it dawned on me that everybody is rejected at one time or
another. I read an interview with a massively attractive rock
star who talked about getting the heave-ho from a girl he loved,
and I thought, “Wow, if even he gets rejected, then perhaps I’m
not so bad off after all.”

Chances are some guy will tell you, “I think it’s time we see
other people.” And it will probably hurt.

How do you deal with it? Well, you can sit around with a gallon
of Haagen Dazs, wondering where you went wrong, why you can’t
hold a man, and why you’re fundamentally undesirable. Or you can
tell yourself, “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Which is the healthier choice? Hey, you are entitled to your
feelings. Rejection stings, but this is the time to love
yourself, not berate yourself for being a loser. Wallowing in
misery and junk food will only make you, well, miserable. And
miserable people are a turn-off.

When some guy informs you that you’re not the woman of his
dreams, shake his hand and thank him for the memories. Think of
it this way: He’s not for you. Maybe somebody upstairs is making
sure he doesn’t move into your life for a reason.

But, if you absolutely must, sit around for a day (two at the
very most) with the Haagen Dazs. Be miserable. Feel what you
feel. Ask yourself what, if anything, you did to send him away.

Then stop.

Treat yourself like a treasure that has yet to be discovered.
Carry yourself like a queen. Banish all thoughts of your former
relationship. Smile easily at people wherever you go.

Move on. You’ll open yourself up to the lasting relationship you
deserve, and to a man who brings you joy and laughter.

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Autumn is a great time of the year when your summer wardrobe
must be swapped out for warmer fashions. The crisp feel of the
air is the perfect sign that it is time to break out your cozy
sweaters and warm pants. Many people feel fall is simply the
time between super summer fashions and steamy winter wear, but
it is much, much more! Think of fall as its own season and be
sure to choose a wardrobe that best suits the cool air, falling
leaves, and shorter nights. The entire palate of fall colors is
superb, from oranges and rusts to golds, browns, greens, and
burgundies. These fantastic tones are sure to fit any skin tone,
so start planning your fall wardrobe today!

If you find your budget is far shorter than your clothing needs,
look to create a fall wardrobe from your preexisting summer and
winter wear. Using the clothing that is already in your closet
can produce a fantastic fall wardrobe that only requires a few
key pieces. Depending on the climate in your neck of the woods
also depends on your needs for a fall wardrobe. If you enjoy
sunshine and warm weather for fall, then cords, jackets, and
sweaters are not a reasonable choice. However, if your falls
turn wet and cool quickly, start planning out your fall wardrobe
immediately so that you have something suitable to wear when the
weather takes a turn for the worse.

One necessary item for your fall fashion is a super jacket.
Jackets and blazers are all the rage this season, as is the
whole layering effect. Choose a jacket or blazer made from a
traditional fall material in a color that is suitable to the
season and the rest of the items in your collection. One great
example is a luxurious brown corduroy blazer that will work at
the office or on the town. Also, consider investing in a skinny
scarf, another popular it item this season. The scarf is more of
a burst of color and pattern instead of a muffler, but it may
become useful when the wind picks up!

Another fall must have item is a fantastic pair of boots. This
season, cowboy boots and other western inspired footwear is
especially popular, so choose a pair to wear with your favorite
jeans or that great skirt. Also, don’t forget to find a perfect
fall bag! Slouch bags are back again this season, so check out
one for your wardrobe.

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If whacky hormones are getting you down, take heart! Relief
is just around the kitchen corner!

Many of us assume that a good diet is …well, a good diet, no
matter what our age. But increasingly doctors recognize that
certain stages of life present unique and different nutritional
challenges. And menopause is no exception.

From day -to- day symptoms like hot flashes,night sweats, mood
swings and fatigue, to long range risks for heart disease,
breast and endometrial cancer and osteoporosis - doctors now
know that what you eat, especially at mid-life, can play an
integral role in your immediate and your long term health.

To help you cope with symptoms today and lay down a foundation
for feeling better tomorrow, check out these
“Menopause-Friendly” foods - and the ones you should avoid.

Menopause Friendly Foods

1.Hormone Boosters: Cherries, bananas, apples, and citrus
fruits can act much like a booster shot for waning hormones. The
key lies in their high concentration of “phytoestrogens’- plant
hormones that that can take some of the edge off symptoms like
hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia, which ca occur when
hormone levels dwindle.

Other hormone boosters include whole grains like wheat, barley,
brown rice and oats and rye, plus spices like fennel, parsely,
red clover, sage and cinnamon.

2. Vitamin E Boosters - Many experts report that foods
high in vitamin E - like wheat germ, nuts, and soybean or
safflower oil - are true energy boosters, battling of
perimenopause. Add them to your diet and you may also experience
a new sense of well being, and fewer mid-life symptoms,
including intimate dryness and hot flashes.

3. Cacium/Vitamin D Boosters - It’s no secret that foods
rich in calcium and vitamin D can increase bone strength and
improve your overall skeletal health. But now new evidence shows
these same foods may also help calm jangled hormonally harassed
nerves and even reduce the risk of high blood pressure. Foods to
include every day: 1 cup of low fat yogurt, 1 cup of skim milk,
I ounce of low fat swiss cheese (naturally low in sodium), or
low fat cheddar cheese.

4. Hot Flash Eliminators: Fish high in omega 3 oils and
vitamin E including mackerel, blue fish, tuna, salmon,
butterfish, pompano, haddock - up to 12 ounces weekly. Nuts
including brazil and walnuts. Seeds such as anis, flax or
sesame. Citrus pulp, and grapes. Cayenne pepper (in
moderation reduces flashes - excess can bring it on so
experiment with small doses first). Soy foods including tofu,
soy milk, soy flour.

Foods to avoid during menopause:

Excess Sugar - because it can stimulate cravings, increase
appetite, and suppress the body’s ability to utilize calcium and
phosphorus needed to build bone.

Fats and cholesterol: As estrogen levels plummet, cholesterol
can s rise. Reducing fatty food intake can compensate for the
control you lose when hormone levels plummet.

Alcohol - A little is good, a lot can increase menopause
symptoms so limit intake to one glass of wine a day or less -
and much less if you are at risk for breast cancer.

For more healthy foods that can ease menopause symptoms visit
http://www.YourMenopause.com or pick up a copy of
Your Perfectly Pampered Menopause by Colette Bouchez

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