Big Brother Fighters

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY ALL YOU PARTY POOCHES!

Or, time to kowtow to bow-wow!

Theolonius McTavish, a dansey-headed, deep-musing,
do-it-yourself dendranthopologist, (better known as one who’s
just descended from the Tree of Knowledge to learn that it’s
time to pay tribute to man’s best four-legged friend in a
dilettantish dog-eat-dog world!)

The Chinese New Year always makes for great fun and oodles of
frolic. And 2006 is no exception with everyone and his dog
paying tribute to the “Year of the Dog” …naturally.

So put on your weatherproof woof-woof outfit, and shake a leg
(preferably near a fire-hydrant if you please)! Or if that’s out
of the question, just try waddling, wiggling or wagging your
trusty tail at man’s best friend, “Fido” or “Fifi” as the case
may be.

According to Chinese astrology, here’s what’s in store for these
four categories of canine creatures:

Wood Dog - Best advice: stay away from all manner of
extreme-stuff, especially mutt-makeovers and skateboarding with
stray scamps! And, whatever you do, beware of pesky pooches and
nervous-Nellies, they’re sure to leave you with a bad case of
the hives or else far too many itches in places that you can’t
scratch …not in a million years!

Fire Dog - Some people will call you one very “hot dog”,
and why not? Finally your creative imagination is paying off
…as all those delightful duct tape sculptures and
paint-by-numbers portraits of dogmatic do-it-yourselfers just
like you will finally grace the well-disposed walls of dapper
doghouses the world over!

Earth Dog - We all know that you love keeping your nose
to the grindstone which means you’ll have difficulty this year
sniffing out useless opportunities leading nowhere fast. The
good news is you can eliminate a gloomy atmosphere by exercising
your seething jealous genes for a change. That’s bound to make
your pooch partner one very unhappy camper …in what otherwise
might have been a “hot diggety-dog-diggity, boom what you do to
me” moment in time!

Metal Dog - Heavy metal music has always been your thing,
but this year you may run into some domestic disasters. A
certain whippet wunderkin next door is threatening to call the
city bylaw enforcement officer (who’s determined to put you
behind bars where you’ll be obliged to listen to nothing but
“Jailhouse Rock” for the rest of the year). Smile, it could be
worse!

Water Dog - Yes, we know how much you adore your water
wings and why you love to show off your dog-paddle. But the
astral climate is changing throwing monkeys into wrenches,
raining cats and cogs, and melting polar ice caps leaving
Abominable people of snow and one red tunic jocular-challenged
pissed off with the impending loss of their habitat and jobs.
Suck it up, adapt, and learn how to become a frequent flyer
…that’s why the Big-Guy-In-The-Sky gave you large floppy ears,
a streamlined undercarriage, and a wee wagger to handle
tailwinds!

So, count your lucky stars this year …cause every dog will
have his day!

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The prolific King of the Keyboard has been writing articles for publication in Ezine @rticles for a relatively short 18 months. Let’s see, that’s 18 times approximately 30 days in a month … um … carry the 3 … um … about 540 days. And what has the Lance Meister done in that period of time. Oh, he’s just submittedand this is tricky because as I’m writing the count could go up by thirty or so6200 articles. That’s all I’m talking about6200 articles! Back to the math: 6200 divided by 540 … um … drop the 0 … bring down the 8 … looks like a whopping 11.5 articles a day, every day, for a year and a half.

I tip my mouse to the Grand Pooh-Bah of Punditry! How does he do it?

I’m approaching fifty articles and thinking I’m doing pretty darned good. Then I notice his count has gone up seventy-one in the amount of time it took me to click ’submit article’. When I pull up the Wizard of Words list to see what he has been up to, a slight brown-out occurs in my neighborhood (so I don’t do it often, just when I need to feel weak and unworthy which I pretty much feel most of the time).

He’s unbelievable. He knows how to wash just about everything on the planet and has an article full of instructions for each. Cars, trucks, boats, airplanes, fleets of airplanes, even power washing Afghanistan! With robotics yet! He’s the mean of clean.

Another deal is abatements! He’s big on the abatements already! The only thing he can’t seem to abate are his articles. And don’t get him started on government, religion or royalty! Oh baby! He’s something. What a rascal!

But the most noble thing Sir Lance Write-a-lot has shared with us is his secret to writing articles faster than a speeding bullet. First and foremost is to think “production”. Holy mackerels, that’s brilliant. And when Lance thinks production, he thinks titles. Forget content! Just titles, like two hundred titles for starters. The man is God! Then he has this whole process for gettin’ busy! It’s quite a little cottage industry Mr. Winslow has brewin’ there.

Unfortunately, as noble as he is, and I say this with no disrespect, the man is a real cacasodo; with little closers like, “I’ve written 6150 articles so far. How many have you written?” I guess he has a right to be arrogant considering the next closest person has a mere 1595 articles, almost contemptible quite frankly, certainly not good enough for mentioning names.

Oh well, I better start my list of titles. But to be honest, it’ll take me the better part of a year to think of 200 things to write about. Meanwhile, ‘The Man’ has already posted 22 articles in the time it took me to write this. And wait until he reads it.

All I have to say is “I’m a dead man writing”.

This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. Author of “Still Living in the Sixties” and “The Single Adventure of Inlin Freebosh”, Robert also writes a popular blog of casual observations and polical commentary, almost always unfair and never balanced, all of which can be freely read at his website located in the outer edges of the “internets”:

http://www.cranelegs.com

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